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The Arse End of the Zodiac

For Aquarians who are interested in things other than astrology

11/20/07 12:06 am - promootheus - Onion Horoscope: Aquarius


Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.

6/25/07 06:23 pm - andreathegirl - Is this wrong to do?

It's funny to see how many times a child will ask the same question over and over when you don't answer them.

3/19/07 01:43 pm - promootheus - The Onion

Y'know, normally I subscribe to the Onion's horoscope for a good laugh once a week, but this one actually hit home pretty hard.


You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.

They've sure got my number.

8/21/06 10:07 am - previouslee



Per a friend's suggestion, I waited for the pods of the Jimson Weed (see prior entry) to split open naturally before I took its propagation into my own hands. To give some sense of scale, the dried, brown pod appears between my teeth in the top picture and next to a lightbulb, a stiletto eraser cap, and a skull ashtray in the bottom picture. In case the image quality is too low for you to tell, trust me when I say this thing looks like a cross between the egg from Ridley Scott's Alien and the portal to hell. It was filled with columns of rock-hard, bb-sized, kidney-shaped buds until I went Johnny Appleseed on that shit and sprinkled its contents on every patch of dirt that looked like it needed a Jimson Weed. Aren't any of you attracted to Datura?

8/17/06 05:40 am - previouslee



I believe the photographed plant is a wild specimen of the genus Datura, a group of flowering plants that produce two toxic, hallucinogenic substances known as Scopolamine and Atropine. These substances are potentially fatal to humans in combination.
Though I can't confirm with any certainty which species or variety the plant in question belongs to, the trumpet-like flowers, spiked seeds, and toothed leaves roughly match the description of Datura Stramonium, commonly referred to as Jimson Weed.
The plant's location is peculiar. It sits on an uneven strip of dirt wedged between a road and a parking lot - an island of soil in a sea of concrete. The island is overgrown with opportunistic weeds and little else. The clusterfuck of weeds spans the surface of the island save for a circle, four to five feet in diameter, immediately surrounding the alleged Datura. Aside from a handful of errant grass blades, the only plantlife that appears to coexist with the Datura is a thin vine that has spiraled its way up the Datura's stalk and now rests, for the meantime, on one of the lower branches.
The smell of the plant isn't comparable to anything I've ever smelled. Its spiked and toothed appendages stand out against the backdrop of harmless weeds that don't dare approach it. Everything about it suggests it fell from the sky to claim Earth's powerless plants as its vassals, and I can only imagine what otherworldly agenda its roots are pursuing beneath the island's soil. I can't help but think I too am its vassal, and that it has lured me to the island with the hope that I will transplant it to a safer location. The entrance to a construction site lies but 10 feet from where the Datura has rooted, and it may only be a matter of time before man's machinery crushes it unknowingly.

8/8/06 10:03 pm - promootheus - Onion Horoscope for Aquarius


Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): While you've tackled the novel numerous times in the past, this week's reading of George Orwell's 1984 will come off as surprisingly dated.

7/20/06 12:59 am - danox - choking on smoke

In case anyone saw that delightful post by [info]ebsm0k3c0cks and was deeply offended, you'll be pleased to know its gone now. And if you weren't deeply offended or didn't see it you might be pleased to know there are less cocks being smoked in this vicinity.

So on the subject of cocks, who digs them? I like mine, and maybe one or two others. Most of them I find foreign and off-putting.

7/5/06 05:39 pm - promootheus - You should know...

When danox isn't writing horrorscopes, I often find solace in the onion_aquarius horoscope.

Just thought I'd pass that along to my fellow aquariasses.

7/5/06 07:09 am - ebsw0820e - bland cigarette ~

6/22/06 04:22 pm - sweettessa_nj - Aquarians are an enigma

Aquarians are an enigma

Who gives to all a helping hand,
But bows his head to no command–
And higher laws doth understand?
Inventor, genius, superman

Hey Everyone! I am an Aquarius born on February 4, 1982. I live in NJ and am a single mom of two amazing little angels!

I came across this info on a site and found it very accurate to my own personality and thought I'd share it with everyone here! 

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